Headcase

In the end, you are in charge of what you do or do not achieve. I am at a point now, 5 years since my first race, that I feel I've heard it all and read it all. We are saturated with knowledge. It is powerful but it can also be destructive.

I am my own worst enemy, primarily because I am never satisfied with my achievements- in sport, be that workouts or great races. I have a winner's high and then it's like my full glass is emptied and needs to be refilled; but this time it's a bigger glass. More more more, bigger, better, stronger, faster.

I've been told I need balance. Eh it's worked, I've normalized myself a lot more these last two years since I moved out here. Slowly, but surely. Now I've made friends, I've found a relative routine and played around with it here and there by going out some nights etc, and discovered that I still function the next day and everything will be ok.

However, I can only play at moderation for so long. I'm not good at it. I don't like it. It feels too balanced. I just don't like middle grounds. Extremities are for extremists, and I like the thrill of pushing the limits.

One of the reasons I don't like downtime is because I begin to conform. I'd rather see rest added into a gnarly block of training than something labeled a "rest period". I like wine, I notice that I have a few glasses at a party one night and I swim great the next day....next thing it's my new sleeping pill and I have an ongoing headache for a week- uhhhm hello, it could be that I'm fastracking my way to AA.....you see no good to tell me something is good for me. If so, it better not start having diminishing returns.

I digress. The point of this post is to face up to my current weakness: blocking out random noise. The facebook/twitter updates of "epic" training days, the opinions on overtaining, undertraining, intensity, lack thereof, eating right, eating TOO right, lack of sleep, too much sleep. While it's true that this can be avoided anywhere, I also want to disappear for a bit from the triathlon bubble that ironically I wanted so badly to be a part of when I packed my bags and moved out here in 2009.

Someone close to me said "you're running away".....my response is "yes". I'm running home to get my head straight. To be with my family, to be physically present at Brundage Mgt., and for 2 months stay away from all social media, and aside from some weekends in Austin, be distanced from anyone remotely devoted to triathlon.

I want to train as if I were invisible.

This is as close to a isolated camp as I can get with the comfort and support of those closest to me. I've said it over and over and I'll say it once more (if anything for my own motivation), this is my very last attempt to go Pro, at least for now. True I can go at it again a few years from now, but if this year it doesn't pan out I'm taking a break from this level of committment for a while to focus on furthering the growth of other areas of my life.

So I'm signing off until Hawaii 70.3. I have a big week ahead and leaving for Texas on Thursday. I'll probably post a Galveston race report. Other than that, it's time go to work and hold myself accountable for whatever the outcome may be.